Paying It Forward

I have received my share of advice in more than a decade of being a mother. While I’ve patiently heard it all and discarded most, there were some gems that left a deep impression on me as a parent. With experience I have come to think of these as my parenting commandments, and I live by them. I feel compelled to share these with you in the spirit of paying it forward.

The first piece of wisdom came to me a few months after I had my second child, and my son was just short of four. I was mired by the demands of the two and having a hard time of it in general. This was an especially difficult time of adjustment for my son. In order to deal with this, a teacher at his school urged me to spend at least half-an-hour with him daily, one-on-one. Despite the resistance I felt to leaving my six-month-old alone longer than I really had to, I decided to give it a try. I arranged my time so I would pick up my son from school every afternoon. Instead of going straight home, the two of us would do something together. Nothing special was planned for this time. In fact, most days we just sat on a park bench outside his school, talking and sharing a bar of ice cream. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to both of us at that time. This time laid the foundation for our relationship. Since then, spending one-on-one time with both my kids has been an integral part of my day, even if it’s just a few minutes stolen away to connect in a quick but meaningful way.

The second piece of advice came from an older child’s mother at my son’s school. I met her at a time when we were facing some behavioral difficulties at school. She must have noticed my stress. She shared her parenting mantra with me and it couldn’t have come at a better time. She told me to think about my relationship with my child as a bank account – and to notice how many times in a day am I depositing into that account and how many times am I withdrawing from the account. Every time that I discipline, scold or lecture my child, I was withdrawing from the account. And each time I hugged, played with him, laughed with him, or connected in some way that was joyous, I was depositing into that account. The thing to do, as a parent, was to make sure there were more deposits in the account than withdrawals. In the case of more withdrawals than deposits, there was bound to be an imbalance, which would reflect in the child’s behavior. This reasoning stuck with me and has held in good stead with my children.

As the children are growing older, the challenges are getting more complex for them, and for us. There are many occasions when I find myself in doubt, and even despair, as their choices clash with my expectations. In such moments, it is easy to get carried away with doubts and fears about how they will turn out as adults, or what their futures will hold. The advice I received recently from a children’s councilor was to have faith that eventually everything will turn out well. She explained the harmful effects of doubt and fear on a family. On the other hand, a parent’s faith and optimism, even if it may seem foolish at times, can do wonders. When faced with moments of despair, I remind myself to stay with faith; it starts off in a mechanical way but slowly lifts off the gloom. Though this last piece of advice is hard to follow as it tries to break old thought patterns, choosing optimism over doubt and faith over fear has a strong positive impact on all of us.