Long ago a child had the good fortune of attending school and the misfortune of having parents who didn’t. He knew he had to do well, get good grades for his parents arranged for him formal education which neither could receive.
However, it wasn’t easy for him as most of his peers had parents who were well educated and helped them study. On the other hand, this little boy had parents with expectations. Expectations that he would do great, make the most of the opportunity they never had.
He worked hard day in and day out.
Fast forward by twenty-five years- This boy has made a name of himself, done well enough to land a fancy corporate job. Now he has a daughter. The daughter studies at a private school and he gives her what he never had – Help with academics, answers questions that his parents couldn’t. She is in second grade but he doesn’t want her to feel like a fool among her peers so he helps her stay ahead. Every day he teaches her for hours before she sleeps.
This girl tells her friends – she will never do this. She will let her children be, do as they feel. Not make them miss birthdays for daily study sessions. Who knows if her child would become an overly obsessed parent because he/ she wanted more attention?
All of them are parents with the best of intentions – giving their children gifts they never had. Are they though? Or are they trying to fill a hole in their life? Putting medicine on skin that’s alright every day till it no longer is. I didn’t have this when I needed this but now I can get this, I will give this to my child. I could never skydive but I will make my kid skydive who cares if he is afraid of heights, he should feel lucky and blessed.
Ladies and gentlemen this is what happens when we don’t identify and acknowledge our pain, we pass it on. It lives on in us. Of course, my example is extremely simplistic. Inter-generational trauma is extremely complex. What I am trying to get at here is – Hurt people, Hurt people.
Her father never healed from the pain so without realizing it he passed it onto his daughter who would pass it on further.
It was his dream that didn’t get fulfilled, as an ointment to his wound he gave to his daughter what he never had. She carried the weight of a dream she never dreamt.
His father despite purest intentions disliked that she had it all. He taunted her by telling her over and over – I NEVER HAD THIS. YOU DO. She carried his pain, as hers was invalidated as a blessing. Her children will carry hers.
She will overtly or covertly pass it on.
Please recognize your wounds for what they are and heal from them. End the cycle. Be a cycle breaker. For your sake and your posteritys’.
PS- I am not a psychologist. For further information or help please meet a mental health expert. If you would like to know more about the subject you could read ‘It didn’t start with you’ by Mark Wolynn or ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Generational trauma is complex and usually used in much more severe contexts, the goal of this article is to create awareness not offer solutions.
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Bhavna Chaudhary, Author & Wellness Enthusiast |
