Everyone advices parents to spend quality time with children but how does one add ‘quality’ to the time spent with one’s child?
In the busy lives that we lead, we all try to structure in time with our children while fulfilling our many responsibilities. Along with taking care of the children’s physical and emotional needs, we want to teach them many things. Everything from reading and writing to good values and behavior has to be imparted. Not just this but the parent’s mind is also loaded with aspirations for the child – our unlived dreams hoping to have another chance to live. Bringing up a child can also feel like getting a fresh start, an opportunity to avoid the mistakes we made.
Like most parents, I always wanted to use my time with my children in ‘productive’ ways – always striving to impart the right behaviors or educating them on some subject. As the children grew up and started communicating clearly, they would tell me what they wanted to do, tell me that they wanted to play with me. But I would push my agenda first and push the play to a later time. This time spent with my child felt like a tug of war. I did realize at some point that something was not right, that the ‘quality time’ that I was creating was not very enjoyable or effective for either one of us.
Fortunately, I had a guide who brought my awareness to this behavior pattern. Slowly, I realized that how everything I said or did with my child was loaded with my expectations of how my child should be. This fantasy child that I had created in my head based on my aspirations cast a deep shadow over all our interactions. The shadow was so deep that I completely missed seeing who my child really was. I was always coming away thinking of her as stubborn, strong-willed, badly behaved and uninterested in anything useful I wanted to teach. I clearly missed to see what this stubborn, strong-willed child was trying to tell me. This child was only fighting to stay true to who she really was and resisting my attempt to fit her into the ‘fantasy child’ I had created in my head.
Changing my behavior took a lot of effort. I learnt to observe my words and actions, to listen more than to talk. When I stopped myself from always thinking how my child should be is when I started seeing how my child already was. That is when I really started to see and really started to hear. It was a revelation, for I was able to now see the uniqueness, the beauty, the wonder, the curiosity, the urge to grow and many other wonderful things that made my child. And I wasn’t seeing this in my child alone. For when I learnt to see and listen, I was able to spot these qualities in every child I met. I had found a way to connect with them and to enter their world.
Our time together felt like it had true ‘quality’ only when I was able to leave behind all thoughts other than just being with my child. This was when we connected with each other in ways that brought us both immense joy and fulfillment.
Bhavna Dewan Bhatia
A mother and yoga practitioner, lover of books and seeker of silence & solitude.
