Dear Bhavna of 2011,
Right now, you have two babies under the age of four. It is an overwhelming time but it will get easier, I promise. For now, trust me and do as I say.
Please let yourself feel all that you are feeling. Do not resist it. Let it all wash over you so you can eventually emerge from it. It’s a lot for anyone and you are doing all you can.
It is completely all right to not be oozing with love towards your children all the time. It is okay that you love them the most when they are fast asleep.
Please ask for help without feeling any guilt or shame.
You will get a lot of advice; take it with a pinch of salt. It has little to do with you. It is mostly people dealing with their own stuff.
This is a time of great adjustment for you and your partner, take the space and give him the space to figure things out. Everything will not fall into place right away and it doesn’t have to. In fact every few months will bring changes as the family adjusts to the needs of growing children. Change really will be the only constant.
Every day cannot be perfect and it doesn’t have to be. There will be many perfect little moments and you will learn to notice them by and by. You will derive a lot of happiness and the will to carry on from these moments and it’s these that will make it all worth the while.
A fixed routine is a great idea. Children thrive in routine-bound environments and it will keep you sane. Create a routine around what works for you and your household, and stick to it. There is no right or wrong way to do things, only what works for you and what you can sustain consistently. You will love the peace and harmony that routine brings to the household.
Please plan meals a week in advance; worrying about what to cook or what to ask the cook to make for dinner every single day is too much wasted energy. A fixed weekly menu and a fixed shopping list will free up critical brain space for better things.
Be easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. No matter how perfect anyone appears, every single one of us makes mistakes by sacksful, we all make it up as we go along.
Go to the park with your children as often as possible. Time spent in the open air is great for burning excess energy, and the change of scenery will benefit you.
It is very important to interact with other mothers. If there aren’t any in your circle, actively seek some out. You have no idea how easy it is to make friends with other mothers; you will have so much in common. If not in person, find some in the virtual world. When the only company you have is a baby and a toddler, self-doubt and loneliness can creep in. Meeting other mothers keeps it real.
Don’t give up on your hobbies completely. They are so easy to lose and so hard to revive. So keep it going, even if you do what you love once a month instead of every weekend.
Keep moving. Physical exercise is the best gift you can give to yourself. This has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with those endorphins; you will need every drop you can get. A walk, or yoga, or the gym; don’t wait to get a full hour. Grab those 20 minutes and do what you can.
Be flexible, flow along and you will find your rhythm. Eventually everything will fall into place for a little while until it changes all over again. You might not always have a firm ground to stand on but you will learn to drop anchor whenever needed.
Stay strong and trust yourself.
Lots of love,
Bhavna
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Bhavna Dewan Bhatia, A mother and yoga practitioner, lover of books and seeker of silence & solitude |
