I chased and craved the me I used to be, for a long-long time. Somewhere growing up, life events brought so many changes that I no longer identified with who I used to be, didn’t like the current me because I was constantly comparing it to a ghost I loved- my past self.
A few months ago, around 3 am, on the train ride home from a college trip – a friend confessed “I’m no longer the person I used to be. Ever since my dog died- I just changed.” I found in her voice -the pain and longing I thought to be singular to me for a version of me that didn’t exist.
Over the past few months- I’ve maintained a meticulous mental diary of people saying something along the lines of or of the essence of changed personality, missing their past self or not liking the person they are currently. There are many- many entries. Some from people I least expected it from.
Each time someone says I used to be jolly or I used to be talkative. I always ask ‘what happened?’ (the most common and annoying answer is- Life). I urge you to do the same- it makes people think and realize sometimes about what caused the change other times it is a reminder to them to not blame themselves but acknowledge the real cause. Only by looking at the root can you fix the surface.
Did life harden you? Did life change you? The whole point of adaptation and evolution is changing with changing times to be able to survive. If you share less now, it is because the world isn’t that safe a space. Your heart’s protecting itself. You need to tell yourself- yes, I like this new update. No, I liked the old version. Carrying the update metaphor forward- sometimes the sole reason we don’t like the update is we would have to un-learn and re-learn. We miss the old version not because it’s better but because we are used to it. Change is hard but it’s inevitable. Remember- Coal hardens into diamonds, hardening isn’t necessarily bad. Let the change add value to you, make you more precious.
Chances of getting back to or being the person you were are – nil. Especially when you consciously aim to do so. I tried to be laid back as I used to be because I wanted to get back to it. All it ended up being is a pressure, a performance. Accept it was and isn’t anymore. Once you do that, you can be open to what will come. Embrace it with open arms.
While chances of getting back to who you were are nil, the possibility of who you can be is infinite. Identify what is it that changed, what is it that you liked/want. Try to develop those traits. An easier way for that is to try to re-create the context in which those traits existed. You were energetic as a teen? What was it that kept you energetic? The fun dance class? Join it. Spending time with friends instead of being best friends with all the work? Call them.
Now that I’ve stopped chasing relentlessly the ghost of my past identity, I think it’s no longer scared of me. There are moments it sneaks up on me. Smiles at me, with me. Only yesterday I found myself singing along to any and every song that came on the radio – something I used to do. Nothing can ever be truly lost- after all, how can it be lost when it is inside you. If there is one thing our cluttered drawers have taught us is- you’ll find it when you stop looking.
This is to anyone who has changed and misses the version they were. To each moth who is scared in the darkness of the cocoon, of the unknown that’s to come. You will be a butterfly, there is darkness you’ve to face, it will prepare you. Remember there are flowers you’ll visit soon and carry with yourself. You are still becoming.
Bhavna Chaudhary
Author & Wellness Enthusiast
